My balls are so social today.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
