Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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