A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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