there's paper in my vomit.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
