he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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