I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
