i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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