Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
