That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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