I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
