i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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