im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
