my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
smell my finger.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
