oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink