He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.