the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
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and she was petting her beer can
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
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Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though