shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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