Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
