I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
