i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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