You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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