He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
