Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
