Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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