Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
