I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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