It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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