I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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