I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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