My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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