i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
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You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
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I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
BRING THE BAGELS
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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