im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
