listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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