ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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