i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
