i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
