my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize