I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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