You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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