I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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