I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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