I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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