Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize