i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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