The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
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He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
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The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
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