I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms