I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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