I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
