If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
why do cheetos always look like penises
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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