I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
