You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
