plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
