I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.