i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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