A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
