I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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