he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
