also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
